All or Nothing: Understanding Black-and-White Thinking in Neurodivergence 🌓

Some days are “amazing” and others are “ruined”.

Someone is either a “best friend” or “the worst person ever”.

A small mistake can mean “I’ve failed completely”.

If you’ve heard words like these from someone you care about, or if you’ve felt them yourself, you’ve probably encountered black-and-white thinking.

Also known as “all-or-nothing” thinking, this way of processing can be especially common among neurodivergent people.

While it can be frustrating or hard to understand from the outside, it’s not about being dramatic or difficult.

At its core, black-and-white thinking often reflects how someone is trying to make sense of the world, especially when that world feels confusing, unpredictable, or overwhelming.

What Is Black-and-White Thinking? 🧠

Black-and-white thinking is when the brain interprets things in extremes. There’s no middle ground. It’s either:

• Perfect or terrible

• Always or never

• Success or failure

  
  

This kind of thinking can give a sense of certainty and structure, which is especially helpful for people who:

• Crave predictability

• Struggle with emotional regulation

• Process the world through a lens of intensity or sensitivity

• Rely on rules to feel safe

  
  

It can also lead to distress when things go wrong, create tension in relationships, and make day-to-day life feel like a series of high-stakes moments.

What It Might Look Like 🔍

Everyone’s experience is unique, but here are some common signs:

• Someone saying, “I’m never doing that again!” after one difficult experience

• Someone calls a friend “the worst person in the world” after a small disagreement

• Someone rips up their work because it wasn’t perfect

• Struggles to see how two things can be true at the same time (e.g. “I’m smart” AND “I made a mistake”)

• Meltdowns when plans change or outcomes feel unexpected

• Using words like “always,” “never,” “everyone,” or “no one” to describe situations

  
  

This thinking can show up in school, work, friendships, and daily routines and it can be just as exhausting for the person experiencing it as it is for those supporting them.

How to Support Someone Who Thinks in Absolutes 🤝

You don’t need to fix black-and-white thinking, you just need to meet it with curiosity and kindness. Here are some ways to help:

1. Validate the feeling before challenging the thought 😌

Instead of jumping in with “That’s not true!” (even when it’s tempting), try:

“That really felt like everything went wrong, didn’t it?”

“It sounds like that hit you really hard.”

Once someone feels heard, they’re more likely to be open to flexible thinking.

2. Gently model ‘grey area’ thinking 🩶

Try using soft, bridging language like:

“Some parts were tricky, but other bits went well.”

“It wasn’t a total disaster, it just didn’t go how we expected.”

“You’re allowed to feel two things at once.”

3. Use visuals and rating scales 🎯

Black-and-white thinkers often benefit from seeing things broken down visually.

• Use number scales (“Was it a 1/10 bad, or maybe a 6?”)

• Colour codes (red = tough, orange = mixed, green = calm)

• Timelines or comic strips to map out events and responses

  
  

These tools can create space between the event and the emotion.

4. Build in processing time ⏰

Many neurodivergent people need time to “cool off” before they can reflect.

If someone is upset or locked in all-or-nothing thinking, try:

“We don’t have to figure this out right now. Let’s come back to it when it feels a bit calmer.”

5. Celebrate effort, not perfection 🎉

Help reframe success by noticing the trying, not just the outcome.

“You stuck with it even when it felt hard.”

“You didn’t give up, even when your brain was shouting at you."

“We’re learning together, that’s what matters.”

A Gentle Reminder 💛

Black-and-white thinking isn’t manipulation, attention-seeking, or stubbornness.

It’s a coping mechanism, often rooted in anxiety, fear of failure, emotional overwhelm, or a deep need for clarity and safety.

If you’re supporting someone who sees the world in extremes, it can be tiring but the most powerful thing you can offer is understanding. Not solutions. Not correction.

Just a steady, kind presence that says:

“I hear you. I get it. And I’ll help you find the middle ground.”

Final Thought 📌

Flexibility takes time to build and for many neurodivergent people, it may always feel like a challenge., but with the right support, those all-or-nothing moments don’t have to take over.

They’re just one way of seeing the world. And together, we can help make that world feel a little safer, softer, and more in-between.